I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
