she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
