If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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