11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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