i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm sobbing to NWA
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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