You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
