Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
