It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
