I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
