i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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