I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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