i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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