And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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