If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
