so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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