I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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