You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
