Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
