Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
