wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
