how can u be prego again
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
