New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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