I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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