Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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