I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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