Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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