She is in my trunk
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
