So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
