So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
