dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The beer is more important than you right now.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
