Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
