The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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