I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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