I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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