At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
