I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
my poor anus
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
