He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
