to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
