bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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