Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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