This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
