Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
