No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
