you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
