Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
