wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
