My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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