i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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