Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
