I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
