Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
