I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Come share oat with me in your robe
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
