oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
