Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm having to shit out rocks
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