The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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