Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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