i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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