I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize