i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Randomize
