White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
